Release

Some days I feel great. Others, I'm barely holding it together. This is one of the days I'm barely holding it together. I realize that my life has been full of pain, shame, guilt, anger, lust, defiance, and disappointment. I struggle against them, but sometimes they seem to spiral.

I've always felt that life can be so torturous, but also so beautiful. Moments or torment mixed with moments of inspiration. I've grown to see pleasure and pain as locked in a beautiful dance--expanding and contracting against each other; each one defined by the other. I swallow pain like a pill and hold it with a strong stomach. I inject pleasure like a drug, constantly moving from one stimulus to the next in a trance.

In the times when my internal world seems too chaotic, I drink until the harsh lines of reality become blurred into one another and my collage of pain becomes an impressionist painting of chemical joy. I inhale femininity and breath out lust.

I wonder what keeps me together--keeps me so glued. When the clouds are gathered and the wind and rain pelt me, what keeps me from going under? Why do I feel hardened rather than softened?

When I relinquish a dream, a harsh reminder of the limits of my freedom imposed by the extent of my freedom, what keeps me reaching for what I've never grasped, running for the finish line I cannot reach?

Nobody's supposed to be here. I walk alone to keep from dragging the innocent through my pain-spiked path--the dungeon of my heart. Seduced by the artificial with a thirst for the genuine. I'm a heartache you don't need. I dangerous thrill to be avoided like an exotic drug.

To walk a mile in my shoes you have to walk 30 barefoot through desert sands.

I just don't want to be bothered. Leave me to my vices while I drown myself in dopamine and norepinepherine inducing stimulation. Led me lace my lobes in GABA and glide with the ocean breeze, escaping the tides of self-pity.

Release.